Question: My siblings and I have been trying to get my parents into assisted living, but they adamantly refuse to move out of their home. What should we do? They are struggling to care for themselves and the house.
Answer: Caring for your parents is a labor of love, but feelings of frustration can arise when there are differences in opinion. If it is important to your parents to remain in the home, you may want to ask why it is important to them. What do they like about it? What concerns do they have with moving to an assisted living facility? Perhaps they’ve lived in their home for a long time and have many memories there. Perhaps they are concerned about finances. Either way, speaking with them and learning their perspective is vital to helping them plan for their future care needs. Start with listening from a place of love and understanding, as you will find that they (just like any other adult) may not appreciate being told what to do. Having a family meeting where your siblings can listen to your parents can help everyone be on the same page. This allows your parents to express their opinion while also establishing what the family can do (or cannot do) to support them.
Adult children may worry that they cannot provide everything their parents need. It is important for families to keep in mind there are a variety of services that can be brought into the home. These services can range from personal emergency response systems, lawn care, help with cleaning, grocery shopping, and personal care. Many people can stay in their own home through the end of life and these options are often less expensive than moving to assisted living. Learning the resources and services available can help set caregivers’ minds at ease while also educating your parents on how they can safely remain in their own home. Your local ADRC is happy to discuss these options with you!
As caregivers and family members, it is vital to respect your parents’ right to choose how they want to live. If you and your siblings are caregivers and struggling to meet their needs, talk to your parents about setting boundaries, as you need to balance your own needs with theirs. Having a family meeting to determine how the family can support your parents at home, as well as setting some ground rules, will allow everyone to share their concerns and can help set up a plan so your parents understand what the family can and cannot assist with. ADRC can help you and your parents understand what kind of services fill the gaps. ADRC also has a variety of support for caregivers, including funding for respite.
If your parents are competently choosing to live in a way that is different than you would like, they have a right to do so. However, if they are jeopardizing their immediate health and safety, you may want to consider calling Adult Protective Services or even 911. For more information on Adult Protective Services, visit: www.dhs.wisconsin.gov.
For more information and to explore resources, services, and caregiver supports, call ADRC at (920) 448-4300.
